The Jane Effect
By Angel of Death
Part 5: Palatial Gifts
Elizabeth doused the cloth in warm water, and brought it to her face. Slowly, she swept it across her flushed cheeks, hoping to rid her skin of the cinders from the fire. Maxine's cheerful humming filled the air as she glided across the room. Her manner had been overwhelmingly joyous ever since the mention of the ball that the Greenly's would attend come sundown. Through the mirror, Elizabeth watched her young, naive sister, wishing that she could put sense into that pretty little head of hers. All she had been able to talk about, for the past fifteen minutes, was how the gentlemen at the gala would be devastatingly handsome, and how she'd flirt with at least one for the fun of it. It bothered Elizabeth that her sister was as bold as she was. She was only fourteen but she had the mind of a grown woman. The possibility of her marrying right after Elizabeth was great.
"How about this, Eliza?" Maxine asked, appearing at her side.
Elizabeth looked at her sister through the corners of her eyes, to find that she was holding a dress in her hands. It was yellow, the direct descendant of the sun. It had a blue bow tied around the waist and silk, birthed by the most delicate of silkworms, draped the radiant fabric. This gown looked to be fit for a princess; it certainly was gorgeous.
"Are you not wearing what you have on right now?" Elizabeth asked, picking up a brush.
Maxine gave Elizabeth a soft smile, then thrust the angel's dress into her hands.
"It's for you, my dear Eliza. Now, come along, lets get you dressed," Maxine replied, lacing Elizabeth's hand through hers.
Elizabeth let herself be guided to the vanity chair where Maxine always sat, and then took a seat. With one quick movement, Maxine had all of Elizabeth's hair in her hand. In the mirror, stared the sun, watching as Elizabeth looked at herself in the looking glass. What Elizabeth saw surprised her. For once, her pale cheeks actually were rosy. Even the brown of her starry eyes was lighter and more appealing. Now that all of her hair was pulled back, her heart shaped face was feminine, almost prettier than Maxine's.A smile gave birth on Elizabeth's lips; for once, in her reflection she saw beauty. It pleased her immeasurably.
"Your hair is such a pretty shade. I wish my hair could be as dark as yours," Maxine noted, sighing.
Eyes widened, Elizabeth looked up at her sister. Maxine never in her life complimented Elizabeth, it was always her nature to receive them. This new, unexpected act of kindness made Elizabeth smile even wider. Then, a pang of regret surged through her soul. It was just this morning when she scolded her sister in an act to make her jealous. Elizabeth had always let her jealousy overrule her rank as Maxine's older sister. Without thinking, Elizabeth reached up and took Maxine's hand into hers. Maxine put down the brush, she now had, and knelt before Elizabeth, worry prominent in her eyes.
"I am sorry, my darling little sister. I shouldn't have spoke to you in such ways that I did. Can you ever forgive me?" Elizabeth asked, frowning.
Maxine nodded her head, then brought Elizabeth's hand to her full, apple's lips and kissed it.
"Yes, I believe I can but I'm afraid I should be the one making amends, Eliza. If it wasn't for my nonsensical inquiries then..." Maxine started.
Elizabeth held up her free hand to stop Maxine from saying anymore than she had to.
"You were just concerned for me, and I love you for caring so much. Maxine, you don't need to worry about me, though, I'll be fine. You are my younger sister, I'm supposed to look after you. It is not vice versa. Now, lets not get all teary-eyed. We have a gala to prepare for," Elizabeth interrupted, standing up from her chair.
Time passed by and the two sisters actually enjoyed each other's company. They ate cookies that Maxine stashed from desert last night, with the chamomile tea Emily brought up, when Maxine rung the bell. When Emily walked into the room, her facial expression grew sour. It was unexpected to see the two Greenly daughters behave in such a civilized manner towards each other. Elizabeth laughed joyously, for Emily turned a odd shade of green before she backed out of the room.
When the moments before sunset were winding down, both Elizabeth and Maxine checked themselves in the mirror, smiling at what they saw. Elizabeth had her hair in an elegant chignon, while Maxine wore her long, pale hair around her face like falling grapvines on the side of a fence.
As Elizabeth admired the yellow against her tanned skin, she wondered where the dress came from. She knew it didn't belong to Maxine because the Greenly family, well, couldn't afford it. With a sheepish grin on her face, Elizabeth waltzed over to where Maxine was sitting, by the window, and poked her on the shoulder. At first, Maxine, who looked to be deep in thought, didn't startle. When Elizabeth nudged her a second time, her blue eyes flashed to Elizabeth's face, sorrow swimming around her irises.
"Where did this dress come from? I never seen it in the wardrobe before," Elizabeth asked, squinting her eyes.
Maxine looked as if she wanted to lie but instead, she hesitated on the truth. Elizabeth beckoned forth the honest truth with her eyes, hoping their newfound friendship would win over in the end. After minutes of silence, Maxine finally turned away, her cheeks as red as her lips.
"I promised not to tell. Even so, I really don't know," Maxine replied, softly.
"Come on, Max. I really want to know," Elizabeth pleaded.
Maxine let out a sigh and then parted her lips as if to speak.
"Daniel got it from somebody, but he wouldn't tell me who. He said he swore to secrecy," Maxine admitted, looking out the window once more.
"Max, you wouldn't deny your darling si..." Elizabeth started, pouting.
Elizabeth was interrupted by a knock at the door. In unison, both sisters looked up to find their brother, Daniel, dressed in a handsome suit. Over his eyes, rest a black mask with the nose of a bird. Maxine stifled a chuckle, roses blooming on her cheeks.
"Do not laugh at me, little sister. At this sort of party, I'll be one of the wise," Daniel retorted, smiling.
"I wasn't," Maxine argued, softly.
"What are those in your hand?" Elizabeth asked, advancing towards her brother.
In Daniel's hands, were two boxes, neatly tied with beautiful white ribbons. He looked down at them for a couple of seconds, then handed one to Elizabeth. Elizabeth kissed Daniel softly on the cheek, then gracefully untied the bow. Inside the box, lye a beautifully carved mask, embroidered with pearls and light blue sapphires. Awe spread across Elizabeth's face. Never in her life has she been this close to jewels of such undefined radiance. She looked up, only to meet her brother's warm eyes, unable to speak.
"It is not I you should be thinking, Beth. Someone else is the angel behind these masks," Daniel said, taking Elizabeth's free hand.
"Who?" Elizabeth asked, eagerly.
"I am sorry to say that I do not know. When I was in town, a messenger came to me and told me to deliver these three packages to you. When I asked them who they were from, he only dismissed me and walked away," Daniel replied, handing Elizabeth the other box.
As Elizabeth pulled open the next box, only one person came to mind,William Harvey. Although they didn't know each other very well, he was the only one that she knew that could grant such palatial presents. Inside the box, were two diamond earrings almost as beautiful as the mask. Tears in her eyes, Elizabeth handed the gifts to Daniel, and then took a seat on the edge of her bed.
"Are you alright, Eliza?" Maxine asked, flatly.
Elizabeth nodded her head. Slowly, her lips were pulling up at the corners. A happy laugh escaped from her lips, filling the air with light.
"Oh, you're messing up your face," Maxine grunted.
"Its fine," Elizabeth replied, taking her earrings out of her ears.
Elizabeth held the gold earrings in her hands, then got up, walked over to the vanity, and put them in the jewelry box. Again, she was met with her incandescent face. It was staring back at her with a new sense of life. Never had she seen such a look on her face. It was a expression of pure joy tainted with the slightest of happiness.
"You look exquisite tonight," Daniel said, kissing Elizabeth on her cheek.
"Thank you, my darling brother," Elizabeth replied, smiling.
"Now come, our chariot awaits," Daniel said, holding out his hand.
Laughing, Elizabeth took her brother's hand and let him lead her out of the room.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Here I am again, trying desperately to repay you.
No need for an apostrophe in 'Greenlys'
Nix the first two commas.
But I thought she was a bit immature?
Nix the second part of this sentence - it's redundant as it's explained in the previous one.
Looked at herself in the looking glass? Hmm, bit of a repetition there. Maybe 'gazed' or 'watched.'
Just a small thing: in those days, darker hair was considered sallow, and probably less attractive than blonde hair. People wanted to achieve that Aryan look - it wasn't to say people considered brunettes unattractive, but a blonde would never strive to look like a brunette, especially somebody like Maxine.
Insert 'had' after 'Maxine'.
No need for 'her' before 'jealousy.'
Nix the first two commas, they disrupt the flow.
'my darling little sister' seems a bit wishy washy, especially as Maxine is always a bit of a rival for her. Maybe show how hard it is for Elizabeth to apologise to her, because of her pride.
Any more is two words, in this context.
'Gala' isn't authentic of that time. Simply say, 'ball.'
I know you live in America, so may not be acquainted with the ways in England - but cookies in England at that time = No-no. They would have had flat biscuits, or tea and cake as little snacks during the day time.
Oh, and camomile has no 'h'.
This isn't helpful at all: but that's a lovely simile.
Definitely take out the 'well'. We haven't been talking in second-person so far, so now is no place to start. It's a bit too colloquial for this time, you see.
'newly found' is a better word than 'newfound.' It's just that 'newfound' reminds me of 'Newfoundland.' xDD Irrelevant.
This is slightly confusing. ^_^
This seems way out of Elizabeth's character. She would question her sister quietly, I think, instead of nagging and pouting. I thought she was meant to be wise beyond her age, right?
Bit of description as to what the suit is, rather than just saying it's handsome.
'rest' should be 'rested', to be in keeping with the past tense.
'lye' should be 'lay', lol, you always seem to do that.
I think 'joy' would be a better word than 'light.'
I think what you mean is 'the vanity seat'.
Incandescent! I love that word!
Overall Thoughts
Aww, this chapter was sweet. Your descriptions are really cute and always make me smile, the grapevine one was really good, I don't think I've ever heard it used before. As you know, description is my baby, so I always like to see it round, and you've done a really good job of that. Most of the time, I have a good visual image of the people, the surroundings, and the five senses.
Sometimes you use American terms that wouldn't have existed in England, in the Regency period. You sometimes use words like 'guys' and 'cookies.' That's fine , because you're obviously living in America, so I'm delighted that I'm your British reader and can point out when a word wouldn't have been used. The realities of the everyday things in your chosen time period will shape what your characters can and can't do.
That's all of my rambling for now.
Good luck!
-Sarah
Angel-
I decided I didn't want to quote on this chapter. Reasons are unknown. Well, I just don't know why.
Okay, Maxine being nice is kind of scary. But I can see she cares for Lizzie. Oh, and I do not like Emily's attitude. Well, actions, actually.
Whoa, presents now? Man, this secret admirer is seriously killing me! I want to know. Now.
Well, I gotta go...I wanna read about the ball.
-Merry
Angel, you know the drill lol
lol
Comments in bold, corrections in red
The Jane Effect
By Angel of Death
Part 5: Palatial Gifts
Elizabeth doused the cloth in warm water, and brought it to her face. Slowly, she swept it across her flushed cheeks, hoping to rid her skin of the cinders from the fire. Maxine's cheerful humming filled the air as she glided across the room. Her manner had been overwhelmingly joyous, no need for the comma after "joyous" ever since the mention of the ball that the Greenly's would attend come sundown. Through the mirror, Elizabeth watched her young, naive sister, wishing that she could put sense into that pretty little head of hers. [s]AAll[/s] All she had been able to talk about, for the past fifteen minutes, was how the gentlemen at the gala would be devastatingly handsome, and how she'd flirt with at least one for the fun of it. It bothered Elizabeth that her sister was as bold as she was. She was only fourteen but she had the mind of a grown woman. The possibility of her marrying right after Elizabeth was great. Great of who? Does Maxin think it's great or Elizabeth...? I would try to be more clear here.
"How about this, Eliza?" Maxine asked, appearing at her side.
Elizabeth looked at her sister through the corners of her eyes, to find that she was holding a dress in her hands. It was yellow, the direct descendant of the sun. It had a blue bow tied around the waist and silk, birthed by the most delicate of silkworms, draped the radiant fabric. This gown looked to be fit for a princess; it certainly was gorgeous.
"Are you not wearing what you have on right now?" Elizabeth asked, picking up a brush.
Maxine gave Elizabeth a soft smile, then thrust the angel's dress into her hands.
"It's for you, my dear Eliza. Now, come along, lets get you dressed," Maxine replied, lacing Elizabeth's hand through hers.
Elizabeth let herself be guided to the vanity chair where Maxine always sat, and then took a seat. With one quick movement, Maxine had all of Elizabeth's hair in her hand. In the mirror, stared the sun, watching as Elizabeth looked at herself in the looking glass. What Elizabeth saw surprised her. For once, her pale cheeks actually were rosy. Even the brown of her starry eyes was lighter and more appealing. Now that all of her hair was pulled back, her heart shaped face was feminine, almost prettier than Maxine's. A smile gave birth on Elizabeth's lips; for once, in her reflection she saw beauty. It pleased her immeasurably. How does this change come about? Because of the dress and pulled back hair? Or is Eliza finally seeing hersellf through a different light? Elaborate more here.
"Your hair is such a pretty shade. I wish my hair could be as dark as yours," Maxine noted, sighing.
Eyes widened, Elizabeth looked up at her sister. Maxine never in her life complimented Elizabeth, it was always her nature to receive them. This new, unexpected act of kindness made Elizabeth smile even wider. Then, a pang of regret surged through her soul. It was just this morning when she scolded her sister in an act to make her jealous. Elizabeth had always let her jealousy overrule her rank as Maxine's older sister. Without thinking, Elizabeth reached up and took Maxine's hand into hers. Maxine put down the brush, she now had, and knelt before Elizabeth, worry prominent in her eyes.
"I am sorry, my darling little sister. I shouldn't have spoke to you in such ways that I did. Can you ever forgive me?" Elizabeth asked, frowning.
Maxine nodded her head, then brought Elizabeth's hand to her full, apple's lips and kissed it.
"Yes, I believe I can but I'm afraid I should be the one making amends, Eliza. If it wasn't for my nonsensical inquiries then..." Maxine started.
Elizabeth held up her free hand to stop Maxine from saying anymore than she had to.
"You were just concerned for me, and I love you for caring so much. Maxine, you don't need to worry about me, though, I'll be fine. You are my younger sister, I'm supposed to look after you. It is not vice versa. Now, lets not get all teary-eyed. We have a gala to prepare for," Elizabeth interrupted, standing up from her chair.
Time passed by and the two sisters actually enjoyed each other's company. They ate cookies that Maxine stashed from desert last night, with the chamomile tea Emily brought up, when Maxine rung the bell. When Emily walked into the room, her facial expression grew sour. It was unexpected to see the two Greenly daughters behave in such a civilized manner towards each other. Elizabeth laughed joyously, for Emily turned a odd shade of green before she backed out of the room.
When the moments before sunset were winding down, both Elizabeth and Maxine checked themselves in the mirror, smiling at what they saw. Elizabeth had her hair in an elegant chignon, while Maxine wore her long, pale hair around her face. Falling, like grapevines on the side of a fence. I would connect these two last sentences together. Maybe something like: ...while Maxine wore her long, pale hair around her face like falling grapvines on the side of a fence. or something like that.
As Elizabeth admired the yellow against her tanned skin, she wondered where the dress came from. She knew it didn't belong to Maxine because the Greenly family, well, couldn't afford it. With a sheepish grin on her face, Elizabeth waltzed over to where Maxine was sitting, by the window, and poked her on the shoulder. At first, Maxine, who looked to be deep in thought, didn't startle. When Elizabeth nudged her a second time, her blue eyes flashed to Elizabeth's face, sorrow swimming around her irises.
"Where did this dress come from? I never seen it in the wardrobe before," Elizabeth asked, squinting her eyes.
Maxine looked as if she wanted to lie but instead, she hesitated on the truth. Elizabeth beckoned forth the honest truth with her eyes, hoping their newfound friendship would win over in the end. After minutes of silence, Maxine finally turned away, her cheeks as red as her lips.
"I promised not to tell. Even so, I really don't know," Maxine replied, softly.
"Come on, Max. I really want to know," Elizabeth pleaded.
Maxine let out a sigh and then parted her lips as if to speak.
"Daniel got it from somebody, but he wouldn't tell me who. He said he swore to secrecy," Maxine admitted, looking out the window once more.
"Max comma you wouldn't deny your darling si..." Elizabeth started, pouting.
Elizabeth was interrupted by a knock at the door. In unison, both sisters looked up to find their brother, Daniel, dressed in a handsome suit. Over his eyes, rest a black mask with the nose of a bird. Maxine stifled a chuckle, roses blooming on her cheeks.
"Do not make jokes at me, little sister. At this sort of party, I'll be one of the wise," Daniel retorted, smiling.
"I wasn't," Maxine argued, softly.
"What are those in your hand?" Elizabeth asked, advancing towards her brother.
In Daniel's hands, were two boxes, neatly tied with beautiful white ribbons. He looked down at them for a couple of seconds, then handed one to Elizabeth. Elizabeth kissed Daniel softly on the cheek, then gracefully untied the bow. Inside the box, lye a beautifully carved mask, embroidered with pearls and light blue sapphires. Awe spread across Elizabeth's face. Never in her life has she been this close to jewels of such undefined radiance. She looked up, only to meet her brother's warm eyes, unable to speak.
"It is not I you should be thinking, Beth. Someone else is the angel behind these masks," Daniel said, taking Elizabeth's free hand.
"Who?" Elizabeth asked, eagerly.
"I am sorry to say that I do not know. When I was in town, a messenger came to me and told me to deliver these three packages to you. When I asked them who they were from, he only dismissed me and walked away," Daniel replied, handing Elizabeth the other box.
As Elizabeth pulled open the next box, only one person came to mind,William Harvey. Although they didn't know each other very well, he was the only one that she knew that could grant such palatial presents. Inside the box, were two diamond earrings almost as beautiful as the mask. Tears in her eyes, Elizabeth handed the gifts to Daniel, and then took a seat on the edge of her bed.
"Are you alright, Eliza?" Maxine asked, flatly.
Elizabeth nodded her head. Slowly, her lips were pulling up at the corners. A happy laugh escaped from her lips, filling the air with light.
"Oh, you're messing up your face," Maxine grunted.
"Its fine," Elizabeth replied, taking her earrings out of her ears.
Elizabeth held the gold earrings in her hands, then got up, walked over to the vanity, and put them in the jewelry box. Again, she was met with her incandescent face. It was staring back at her with a new sense of life. Never had she seen such a look on her face. It was a expression of pure joy tainted with the slightest of happiness.
"You look exquisite tonight," Daniel said, kissing Elizabeth on her cheek.
"Thank you, my darling brother," Elizabeth replied, smiling.
"Now come, our chariot awaits," Daniel said, holding out his hand.
Laughing, Elizabeth took her brother's hand and let him lead her out of the room.
Ah, this was a really adorable scene between the two sisters. I felt the love between the two, the understanding that was never there. And it was nice to see
I am wondering, however, on Daniel's drastic change in manner. What ever could contribute to such a drastic transformation...hmm...the possibilities!
*on to next thread*
Angel of Death -
I felt like I owed you for all the reviews you've given me. Granted, I haven't read the first four parts of this, but I still understood what was going on, so I didn't go back.
NITPICKS:
For some reason, this sentence feels off. Here's a rough example of how I would rework this: Her manner had been overwhelmingly joyous, ever since the mention of the ball that the Greenly's would attend come sundown.
I notice throughout the chapter that you put commas in odd places. You don't need the comma after naive
I don't really know what time setting this is in, since I've only read this chapter, but I'll assume from the word usage of gala (which I like, by the way) that it's in England or something like that, in the Victorian age? If so, women did not court men, ever. It's also a bit of a run-on, but I guess you can get away with it here. Here's another emaxmple of my own adaptation of this sentence: All she had been able to talk about, for the past fifteen minutes, was how the gentlemen at the gala would be devastatingly handsome, and how she'd flirt with at least one for the fun of it.
Outgoing feels too modern a word. I would use bold.
Semi-colon would be better than the comma.
You forget apostrophes often throughout the chapter. This is the only one I bothered pointing out, because I figured you could just reread and catch the others. Oh, and also, I think locking Elizabeth's hand with hers is odd wording. Rephrase somehow.
Awkward sentence. My example of how to rework: In the mirror stared a face that resembled the sun. Elizabeth stared at herself in the looking glass, bewildered and a little bit shocked.
Again, no need for that weird little comma
I like the smile gave birth part, but then the effectis ruined with the underneath Elizabeth's nose. Just sounds odd. My example (I know, I do a lot of these. Sorry): A smile gave birth on Elizabeth's lips; for once, in her reflection she saw beauty. It pleased her immeasureably.
Smei-colon instead of comma in first sentence. Also, I woudn't use the word gesture; doesn't fit, to me. What Maxine is doing is more of an act of kindness.
Just again pointing out the odd comma after brush.
Two, not too.
Might I suggest differnt wording? Well, nothing has stopped me from doing it before, so here goes: I think elegant chignon would be better than fancy bun.
Over his eyes rested a black mask... is the correct way to put this.
She didn't exactly make a joke; Maxine just laughed.
Don't need comma after hands
What? Did you mean lay? But even that isn't the right word for this sentence. My example: Inside the box, on a bed of soft red velvet, rested a beautiful carved mask.
Had, not has.
Now instead of comma you use a colon after mind.
It's spelled all right.I know; I don't see the difference either.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
It was sweet, how Elizabeth and her sister were finally getting along. I liked the descriptions, and anticipate what happens at the ball. Who is her mysterious admirer? Hmmm...